hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
