dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He better not be in your backpack
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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