epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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