how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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