is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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