Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
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driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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