i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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