I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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