i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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