My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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