I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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