Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
