I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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