Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
