I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
