I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
