He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
