Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
