brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
