dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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