I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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