i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
