My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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