this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
