Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
