so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Randomize
