I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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