who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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