When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize