you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
