I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
