I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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