good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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