"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
