Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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