Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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