My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
