You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
