something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
