If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
