The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
