So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize