There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
