Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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