why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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