On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
