That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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