She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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