Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Your penis caused this!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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