I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
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I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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