On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
