he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
