i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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